The dark cloud that is G’s ex is always looming.
Can we take a minute to ponder that, please? This literally means that it’s a forever-present entity that exists to make your life awkward – for sure – and sometimes just plain miserable. So even when G and I are at our happiest, say, at a relaxing getaway in the middle of nowhere, there is always that little glitch of dark, stormy clouds. And of course there’s the anxiety that comes along with just waiting for what the next shenanigans will be. And it’s always just a matter of time before the shenanigans rear their ugly heads.
A very good friend of mine tells me that in the face of the ugly, dark glitch, when such occasions of misery arise, I should just rise above it. I understand that, of course, but ask myself how does one rise above something that isn’t done directly to them? In fact, how does one avoid getting raging mad when they see that the damage is being done to someone they love? I think that most people can handle themselves well enough, even when third parties seem out to get them. Somehow we pull it together for ourselves. But arguably, this is a million times harder – even impossible – when you have no control over the hurt that’s coming towards your loved one. My bottom line here is that it’s f*ing hard to keep my cool when I know that G is being hurt on PURPOSE, something he doesn’t deserve, and there is nothing I can do to protect him from this or defend him from it.
I’m sure I don’t know the extent of it. I do know that a grown woman who went through a divorce SHOULD be thankful that the ex-husband is a fantastic and EVER PRESENT father. One who not only does his legal duty by paying child support but who plays with his kids, talks to his kids, tries to understand his kids and is basically one of the best dads I’ve ever witnessed. I like to think that I put myself in other’s shoes quite often. In the shoes of a divorced woman left with two kids to raise, I’m fairly certain that I’d be STOKED that the man I personally couldn’t harmonize with, was an amazing dad to our kids. On that note, as a divorced woman I know I wouldn’t just stare at my phone as I watched such a dad call and call and call to try to talk to his kids…letting days go by before I finally handed the kids the phone so that they could have a conversation with him. I’m pretty sure that only teenagers pull such stunts, not grown women with two children who, by the way, is also a teacher. Ah yes, education’s finest! [Note to self: can I ask for background checks on all would-be teachers my future kids might have?]
I’ve done this putting myself in her shoes scenario many times. I’ve imagined being as pissed as she is that I was left alone to raise two kids [there’s a story behind that, but for the purposes of trying to understand this other person, I’m thinking along the lines of what SHE would think. HER reality as SHE sees it.] “Left alone” and now learning that my ex-husband is about to remarry, meanwhile I can’t find myself a steady boyfriend, let alone a fiancee [wonder why]. Then I add to that the context of having been raised in a traditional Chilean household. One where perhaps the father put up with a whole lot of sh*t from the mother, but, being traditional, there was never any thought of divorce. Misery is part of marriage, didn’t you know? You marry for life, no matter how awful the other one treats you! Such is the sanctity of marriage! [her reality, not mine.] So when I married, in my early 20s mind you, I did so after dating probably a total of 2 guys before marrying the one who happened to be with me at the right time for marriage.
G was a different person back then too and this is worth noting. He wasn’t necessarily a follower, but his leadership skills didn’t have an environment to thrive. He had several encounters in life where he wasn’t encouraged to be a leader or encouraged to throw forth his right opinion … and so she led by default. Not because she’s a better leader (I can imagine few people are when compared to G and that’s a fact) but probably because no one told her to sit down and shut up … so to speak. G was a leader brewing … and his catapult was his career. Through his career and his accomplishments he finally embraced the personality and mannerisms of the leader he was born to be. And truth be told, such leaders – such ballers – cannot stand such mediocre women.
I said that to him once. I looked at him and asked “How can someone as shining and brilliant as you, marry someone so plain, predictable and boring?” The answer is that back then, he wasn’t half of who he is now.
He’s so amazing, so insightful, SO SMART, SUCH a contributor … you WANT to hear his opinion and it never crosses my mind to not accept it or ever not want to hear it. And he expects the same back!! He has ZERO patience for people who are boring. People who are ordinary. And that’s exactly who he married back in the day … so it was just a matter of time … as a butterfly has transformed, so did he. And a butterfly CANNOT keep the company of a moth.
The moth probably looks at the butterfly now and thinks “You are a poser. That’s not who you are. I don’t even know you.” Oh little moth, little moth. This is the real deal now … and I can see this is one butterfly who is off to bigger, badder things in life because he’s allowed to be himself. If this weren’t who he truly is, how would one account for all the blessings that surround him now more than ever? Thankfully he is truly blessed.
….oh right, except for the dark glitch who may or may not allow their kids to attend our wedding. The glitch who won the name battle and now the kids don’t call me the cute nickname they used to call me, but flatly say “Andrea.” [Andreita upset her too much.] The glitch who just stares at the phone when he tries to call to talk to his kids. The glitch who takes them away on weekends when he’s supposed to see them.
Rise above it, ANDREITA.
Me and the butterfly are just going to go on with our bad selves. Can we just leave the moth, who repeatedly tries to crash the party, to burn herself against the shining light?